1/1/2021 - What do you want?

For years of my life, I enjoyed playing video games and I was highly creative during a lot of difficult situations… I had highs and lows… And it was tough to raise my feelings…

For many years any work I was proud of I shared with my parents who just said it was not good enough and I should make something like they are playing… Oh make this and that… For years my parents kept saying not to do the things I was doing and to do the things I am good at… Like working on cars. They kept telling me how I am feeling which was wrong to show how out of tune they were with me… “You love working on cars, you should become a mechanic” … Getting under cars and working on cars… I do not really enjoy it as much… You have got tight spots you can barely put your hands in. You could cut you had and get dirty oil or grease on your cuts. Getting under a car and trying to tighten or loosen bolts is not fun when you are leaning up and your neck is aching… Getting under cars with those 4 scary supports are under the diffs or body that when the car shakes or move they seem scary… More so on Gravel and dirt than Concreate. When I was into developing games, I wanted to create an action-adventure story game as one of the first things I wanted to actually do. I wanted the story to be the reason you wanted to keep moving forward and to fight for the character you are playing as. I wanted the player to play with a sense of purpose and meaning, and with all the emotions of the character, your actions would feel in sync with the characters expressions. That you could feel the adrenaline of the character. The anger, sadness, the sense of giving up… And as the player trying to help push them forward with a limited sense of control. Last year I made a game and released it around this point in time. Today needs to clearly be said what it is… 31/12/2020 at 9:44pm. Today, I am feeling super depressed… And I feel a little bit more energized into a slightly more positive vibe… That being after watching a really intense video by ChilledChaos on YouTube, I felt different.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bsn_8vSjMo0 This video was intense, the people playing were trying to stay safe while actively trying to avoid being shot while also having whistles blown on them. It is true they have suggestions on improvements for the game mode in this game. But what else is true is they have good chemistry. The tension release of this game mode and just being a viewer is something I do not find I enjoy in playing games so much as it’s out of my control. There is no spikes dynamic of static. And the games story is constantly changing. Such a simple game mode but with so much personality and story driving people to play it. Sure it is not fair, but it can be improved.

My new years resolution is because I want to feel positivity in my own life but I also need to rid the negativity from it as well. And when you speak up you feel like people see what you say is negative and it’s not what people want to hear.

The fact is I want to be in a position where I can enjoy working on games being apart of the team and helping to make games better than they are.

And the reason I feel drained is because of how I am like an emotional sponge. And it’s easier to control how you feel when you can control your environment and situation… I live with negative parents and a brother who distances himself from the drama. And when I LOCK myself away I feel myself being emotionally drained from all the arguing and fighting… BUT HOLD UP! I know what you’re going to say about why don’t you move out of home? Realistically that is a bad question to ask due to the frustration is does cause. You are at home for a reason yes. But why? Because the obvious answer is because moving out is not sustainable or it hinders your objectives.

I live at home, today I got called and told I’ve essentially been made redundant in less harsh words as they look for maybe work elsewhere for me. I reassessed my cashflow and across the year it is in the red. No longer green! Red.

I fine-tuned as much as I could with lower income figures to assess stability and it was not easy to find green, but to get in the green I have to give up a lot of things in my financial situation. I am paying for a Cert IV in programming that I am trying to get motivated to study. I was hoping to potentially hot desk to control my environment and take control of my life. That is off the table. But I still have a commitment to the course payments. I have my car which needs a lot of TLC and I was hoping to finish it last year…. And the year before that… I have not achieved the desired income for each year to meet my goals. Because the changing circumstances out of my control are influencing my life. I have managed to by the end of the year saved enough money that I felt uninclined to spend and I am glad I did not… Because projection wise It is going to get burned up over the next couple of months until April where it gets back and in falls of till June which it picks up again. While I hope to get a new job, I do not know how to sell myself and prove I am a good fit for any job. Because I am particularly good at underselling myself but not good enough at getting picked up for a job with my skills and experience.

My new years resolution is going to be hard… And by June/July I have to have released a game that is making a small income at the least. I have got to study, and I have got to make something.

What I really want people to know is that I am unable to improve my circumstances… I do not know how many other people are in a similar boat, but with all the negativity in some peoples lives they need someone to pull them to shore so they can breathe. Because great talent get is buried because the value, they put on themselves is covered by negativity and silent questions if they can do something or not. And if anyone wants to say I am not a good employee, for the right business who I can feel part of as family who lets me works my normal hours to make a living to help me do what I want to do and helps me grow. That same business is one I would be willing to work harder for regardless of my extra hours to help them be successful unpaid. Because in my eyes getting a great game to the market is not just supporting me or the people responsible for my employment… Its help’s keep the family together, helps it grow and expand. And helps it retain what it has. People in the past say I pushed myself too hard… Some people still say it… But I’ve pushed myself hard because I’ve been trying for years to break the cycle… And for years I have pulled all the stops to make something happen… And because of my failures and because of the negativity and being unable to consistently maintain momentum because of something that I trip over… That is exactly what I was expecting which is why I push myself so hard… I push myself hard to overcome those obstacles sooner rather than later. Because If I work normally… At those same points in time, they will hit me the same as they did every other time… And will I make more progress? No… I will have less progress. Pushing myself is not about trying to over work… It is about pulling all the stops to try and solve the problems that I had limited time to overcome. And I could put in more effort in the same timeframe than otherwise at a normal pace. For me to move out while also holding onto my dreams and ambitions I need to be earning in my pocket $1,600 per week minimum. It pays for multiple things. Rent, Food, Bills, Equipment, Savings towards my own house or towards a business start-up or even a project.

What I want… Is to be in a position where I can work towards that earnings goal. Where I can support my team and help the business grow. Where I can pull all the stops to make something happen and most importantly… To help me be emotionally balanced in a positive atmosphere.

Through all of the lows, I still worked as hard as I could! Work gave me more satisfaction than being home and supporting my team did so much for me that I could put in so much more looking like I was over doing it while for me, that is not where I was overexerting myself… I overexerted myself doing the things I had to do… Not the things I want to do. From the movie Ford Vs Ferrari I quote “it's a truly lucky man who knows what he wants to do in this world. 'Cause that man will never work a day in his life.”

I think this quote is one that varies and changes with different speakers. But when I worked hard on my games and worked hard on getting things to work… I enjoyed achieving the smallest goals I had in front of me. Getting everything to fit together and bringing life to what essentially started off as an empty universe.

For my new year’s resolution…

I want to recover from as much depression as I can and when I am in the mood to work on game and study… PUSH myself to the redline and get something done! With each and every task, that redline will change. It could be lower or higher depending on what your good at and where your tolerance per task is.

I want to release a game that makes up to $1,000 and has at least 75% good reviews. And I want this to be a flagship towards getting back into the industry and either creating a role or finding a role to suit and cater to what I am… Most companies are looking for one thing or another… Not someone who can cover multiple bases as part of a single role. And most of us during business courses are taught to split the roles and share the responsibilities. And I want to be in a position that is sustainable that I can move out of home… I do not know how much I can stress that living at home carry’s so much weight on you when your parents do not try to improve themselves to help themselves and to help you… When they are destroying each other and your caught in the crossfire… And when you try to feel comfortable, but you do not meet people who understand or have chemistry to share. I want the people who read this to know that on the outside I am just like everyone else. But on the inside I am fighting a battle to give up or to push hard to achieve my goals… A battle that feels like every time when I manage to get to where I want to be felt like my last chance before that is it… And I cannot go any further or harder.

I want people to read this and to realize that some really talented and strong people are missing out and are going unnoticed… I don’t know how talented I am until I try, because I am both rusty, unpracticed and have been trying so desperately hard to re-motivate myself.

So please… Look out for those who need support. Maybe even use charities to help something happen. Because sometimes we can not change our lives without support and being carried through the process. Thank you and happy new year to everyone in 2021!